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Anne Hathaway Is a Blonde Now

This weekend, probably in a desperate attempt to seem fun, Anne Hathaway dyed her hair blonde. So far, the only picture of her new strands is a selfie that she posted on Instagram, and the hair would look fine if she wasnt wearing a fedora over it. This blonde is definitely an improvement over her bleached hair at the 2013 Met Gala, when she was still growing out her hair from getting a fugly boy haircut during Les Mis. Were not sure whether she dyed it for a role or just for fun, but most likely shes just bored while pregnant and sitting at home 24/7. Ditch the fedora Anne, then maybe you can sit with us.

Be honest. Did I unwittingly dress like a fashion scarecrow this morning?

A photo posted by Anne Hathaway (@annehathaway) on

Here’s Why Having Herpes Is Kinda NBD Betches

I’ve had my fair share of “herpes scares,” one of which led to me dragging my friends into a bar bathroom so they could watch me spread my ass cheeks and inspect my literal butthole for bumps. In my defense, that area is hard to get a good look at with a hand mirror. Anyway, these instances always ended the same: my friends assured me I was fine, I went and got tested at the local clinic, and then two weeks and five thousand panic attacks later, I was told that my results came back negative. Every time, my friends reminded me that “of course” I didn’t have herpes. I used condoms and herpes was a big, bad thing that didn’t just happen to anyone. But then one night, I sent an incredibly graphic photo of the inside of my labia to a friend asking her if she thought it was the herp, as you do, and she advised me to go get tested ASAP. She didn’t seem as convinced as usual, but she still assured me that I was “probably fine.” I went through the usual process, but it quickly became more and more clear that this time was different. Sure enough, when my results came back…they were positive. And here’s the thing: I had used condoms. As it turns out, herpes can just happen to anyone, and TBH it’s not even a big or bad deal. Sorry for being so chill but like, herpes is supes common and doesn’t even affect my health. I’ll tell you more about this by the end of the essay, but so as to not keep you completely on the edge of your seat, the answer is yes, I still f*ck.

Not to be a bitch, but more than one in six Americans has genital herpes. And oral herpes is even more common. More than 50% percent of Americans have oral herpes, although people seem to care less about this. Oral herpes is “just cold sores,” and yet genital herpes is “social suicide.” But the truth is, they are almost identical viruses. In fact, the virus I have is HSV-1, which is associated with oral herpes, but it activated on my gennies (I will be referring to my genitals as gennies to make this more fun). This means I probably got HSV-1 when someone with oral herpes went down on me.

HSV-2 is the virus that is referred to as genital herpes, and it’s not completely identical in its makeup to HSV-1, but it’s pretty damn close. Both viruses can show up on your body as sores, although both usually do not show up at all. Approximately 80% of people with genital herpes never notice any symptoms, either because they don’t get any, or because they are so mild they don’t realize what they are. This is part of why herpes is so common: most people who have it don’t realize they do, so they transmit unknowingly (so it’s actually much less likely to get herpes from someone like me, since I know I have it and can therefore take the necessary precautions to not spread it. Just as a like, PSA re: f*cking me).

On top of this, most standard STD tests don’t include a herpes test. If you’re thinking “WTF??,” you and I have something in common. The CDC doesn’t recommend testing people without symptoms for herpes, which doctors may tell you is because they assume the stigma of having herpes is greater than the health risks, so unless you need to treat symptoms, there’s really “no point” in testing you. This is what one of my sexual partner’s doctor told her after I suggested she go get tested when I received my diagnosis. Of course, letting people live in “ignorant bliss” by not testing the 80% of people with herpes who don’t have symptoms only leads to the virus being spread more. But according to doctors, this is to stop people from dealing with the stigma. So let’s talk about the stigma, shall we?

The first thing I did when my gynecologist told me I have herpes was openly cry on the streets of New York. Then I got blackout drunk. You know, the usual two-step process to hearing bad news. But I soon learned that herpes isn’t that bad, at least physically. My doctor prescribed an antiviral pill, which I can take daily in order to prevent outbreaks and decrease the chances of transmission. With these meds, plus the use of condoms, my doctor told me there is about a 1% chance of me transmitting herpes to someone during sexual contact, so long as I’m not experiencing an outbreak (sores). I’m not great at math (I’m hot), but I can tell those chances are like, really low. My doctor assured me that even if I ever experience another outbreak, it will never be as bad as the first one. Outbreaks are less severe and less frequent over time. Plus, after doing some research online, I learned that the type of herpes I have—HSV-1 on my gennies—makes outbreaks even less likely. HSV-1 is a less aggressive virus than HSV-2, and it’s likely I’ll never have another outbreak again. I literally may never see another sore on my lil gennies, and it’s very unlikely that I’ll transmit the virus to anyone else. So what’s the big deal then? Stigma, that’s what.

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No joke, this photo was literally taken on the train home from my gyno post-herp news

I noticed the stigma right away. Wherever I went, it felt like I had a dirty secret, and not in the fun, flirty way. Whenever a guy at a bar smiled at me, all I could think about was how I had this thing that made me “unf*ckable.” I knew herpes was bad because we were all so afraid of getting it, and I’d heard plenty of jokes about how herpes is disgusting, for whores, ruins your life forever, etc. And as someone who has spent a lot of her life battling slut-shaming, it felt like my karmic punishment. I felt ashamed, gross, and unsexy. But the thing is, this was all stigma’s fault, not herpes’. Herpes is a benign skin condition. It poses little to no health risk, and it barely shows up physically. It’s very common, and yet we talk about it as if it’s this awful disease that only the unlucky and the unwanted get stuck with. Call me radical, but I think that’s f*cking stupid.

So many of us are living with herpes, but we aren’t talking about it. A lot of us don’t want to because we’re embarrassed. I was at a Post Office recently where an employee made a herpes joke, and part of me wanted to yell, “Oh yeah, well I have herpes, so FUCK OFF,” but instead I just pretended to laugh along. That sh*t needs to change. We need to stop talking about herpes in a way that stigmatizes the many people who have it. And I completely understand that people may not want to contract herpes, but I can tell you having it has certainly not been the end of the world for me. I just wish we would talk about it more openly and realize how NBD it is, so the emotional impact of having herpes would be as minimal as the physical one. Doctors aren’t testing people without symptoms because they don’t want people to have to deal with the stigma, but pretending that herpes isn’t so common and not addressing how simple it is to deal with makes that stigma so much worse for those of us who have had symptoms.

And now, as promised, I will tell you how having herpes has affected my sex life. For the most part, it hasn’t slowed me down. I went on Tinder a bit after getting my results and tested out the waters. My approach was messaging matches and saying, “Hey what’s up, how you doing, I have herpes.” And to my surprise, most people still seemed interested in hitting up bone zone. Of course, some weren’t as comfortable with it. One guy thought that meant I had constant open sores on my vag that would never, ever go away, which I thought was LOL. Like, if that were the case, I would def not be trying to put anything inside me, let alone a d*ck. That would hurt so bad. Anyway, there have been people who, upon hearing I have herpes, are not willing to have sex with me. And that’s okay. I respect that. In fact, in a way, it’s made being intimate with someone a more communicative activity. And honestly, that’s pretty dope.

I’ve always been very attached to my sexuality, sometimes to a fault. I’m definitely still working on coming to terms with all of this, but I will say that my herpes diagnosis has helped me realize that while I love and cherish my sexuality, it does not define me. Just like having herpes does not define me. I was worried having herpes would mean I could no longer connect with my sexuality, but in many ways it has helped me become even more comfortable with it. I have herpes, and tbh, it’s kind of chic. All adventurous girls do, babe.

Images: @ireeene71 / Instagram; Giphy (3)

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This Is What Kourtney Kardashian Eats To Stay Healthy

 
I’ll be totally honest that I don’t exactly Keep Up with the Kardashians, but like, I hate-stalk Kylie with every fiber of my being, so that’s got to count for something. But in terms of the OG Kardashian sisters, I don’t know a whole lot about them, other than what I gather from other Betches articles. Like, Kim is the vain one (I am the Kim of my family), Khloé is the funny one, and Kourtney is the healthy one who like, cares a lot about eating organic and gluten-free shit. Right? I think I’ve got the bases covered. And given that Kourtney is also the hottest one (don’t fight me on this; her face has changed the least over the years compared to her sisters), it’s understandable why people would want to know what Kourtney Kardashian eats. How does she look better at age 38 with three kids than I do after a good week where I stick to my diet and fitness regimen? I mean, probably because she has a very expensive plastic surgeon personal trainer and her livelihood literally depends on her having a desirable physique. But other than that, her diet probably plays a role. So what does Kourtney Kardashian eat to stay skinny? Let’s investigate. Diet-Banners-250x250

On Kourtney’s members-only website (who is paying for this?), she revealed some key ingredients she swears by. As we all know, Kourtney went gluten- and dairy-free last spring, but she also has a serious sweet tooth, because LOL! She’s just so relatable. Kourtney previously told that she uses gluten-free flours like almond and sweet rice flour. Groundbreaking stuff. She also uses lots of coconut products like coconut oil and coconut flour. Apparently, behind the paywall on Kourtney’s website, you can find recipes for some of her fave coconut recipes, like coconut macaroons and pudding. And that’s how she sticks to her diet while still “indulging” in bootleg desserts that sound gross. IDK, I feel like if you’re about to go bake a cake out of coconut flour, you should either just make a regular fucking cake or eat some fruit. It’s like Ron Swanson says: Don’t half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

If there are people out there who are really paying to see Kourtney Kardashian’s coconut macaroon recipe, please comment below because I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you.

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The Top 5 Worst Celebrity Parents

I’m a writer living in New York City, so obviously I’m obsessed with therapy. And two incontrovertible truths my shrink has told me? One: using humor as a defense mechanism to compensate for my emotional unavailability is only f*cking up any of my chances at a healthy, intimate relationship, thus making me destined for crippling loneliness. Two: parents are the sole reason that anyone is so f*cked up. It’s evident that mommy and daddy issues are the lifeblood of petty drama on a public scale, toxic celebrity relationships, and reality television. We love that sh*t at Betches. So let’s all raise a vodka soda to awful parents of celebrities. I’ve rounded up who I deem to be the worst celebrity parents, but be sure not to drink too much because that could mess with your antidepressants!

1. Stephen Baldwin

Dads can be so embarrassing. One time I was at a really chic, celebrity-studded spot and Hailey Baldwin was there with her dad. She looked gorgeous, tastefully dressed, and was absolutely flawless in person, whereas her dad was wearing a trucker hat and what I believe were board shorts. I thought it was bad when I went to a Halloween party when I was little with my dad dressed up like my mom. But trust me, what Stephen did to Hailey was ten times more embarrassing.

He also was recently out to lunch with Hailey and Justin when the newlyweds got into a tiff. Color me shocked that two crazy kids who barely dated before they got married are already having trouble in paradise. Onlookers noted that Stephen facilitated in resolving the situation, and then smacked Justin on the a**. Look, a lot of us want to grab Justin’s a**, but a lot of us aren’t creepy enough to actually go there. And if Stephen playing grab-the-booty with his son-in-law isn’t proof enough that he’s a mortifying dad, peep this Instagram video and tell me this isn’t enough incriminating evidence to get emancipated:

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#beegees #PTL 🙌🏽

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The f*ck did I just watch?

2. Dina Lohan

Dina Lohan really loves her kids. Like, really, really loves her kids. See?

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Parent Trap #lindsaylohan #dinalohan #maternalinstinct #appledoesntfallfar #fbf

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It’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan played Cady Heron in Mean Girls when she had Regina George’s mom in real life. That is if Regina George’s mom allowed underage girls to drink inside a house that hosted happy hour 24 hours a day. Dina is known to go out clubbing with Lindsay, whose substance abuse issues have previously landed her in jail. Maybe not the best idea to blatantly enable your daughter that way? IDK, I don’t have kids. I’m just spitballing ideas here.

Dina also had a failed reality show called Living Lohan. It was about her trying to get her youngest daughter Ali’s career off the ground. Critics lambasted Dina, calling it “exploitative” and “trashy”. Most reality television is exploitative and trashy, but Dina somehow managed to make it completely unwatchable. The only redeeming quality about Dina is that one time she met my ex-best friend at Starbucks and told her that she resembled her daughter when her daughter was at her peak crackhead phase.

3. Joe Simpson

In classic Donald Trump fashion, father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson just loves to talk about his daughter’s bodies, specifically Jessica’s. Joe was quoted in a 2004 article for GQ saying, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got DOUBLE Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!” That’s totally normal praise any father would give their daughter? Right???

In 2012, Simpson was caught cheating on his wife of 34 years with an aspiring male model, Bryce Chandler Hill. Hill was only 21 at the time (younger than both his daughters) and Simpson was 54. The two were introduced by a mutual friend of Ashlee and Jessica, so it doesn’t quite get more f*cked up than that. The affair allegedly went on for a year, but Simpson still denies all rumors about being gay to this day.

To top this all off, Simpson also had his Twitter account “hacked” back in 2014. For the hour he was locked out, his account posted over 40 tweets claiming that he was a child molester. That couples well with being accused of fitting your daughter for her training bra. Can someone say dad of the year?

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4. Billy Ray Cyrus

Okay, we all try to forget, but remember when Miley went through her awful phase? Like broke-up-with-Liam-twerked-on-giant-stuffed-animals-and-made-trash-music phase? Yeah, that wasn’t her fault. Ask any shrink out there, and they will tell you that your nasty skank phase is your parents’ fault. Miley even came forward and said Hannah Montana really f*cked her up. And who was instrumental in that? Her father.

I mean, Jesus Christ, not only did he play a stage parent, he played her father on the show and had the world’s most annoying catchphrases. Billy Ray later came forward and said the show ruined his family. Um, you’re an adult who should have his children’s best interest at heart. Miley was a clueless kid, so why’d you do it in the first place? Billy Ray is a one-hit wonder who piggybacked off his daughter’s fame 10 years ago. So he’s got loads of time on his hands. Maybe he should use that time to parent instead of posting sh*t on Twitter that only a teenage girl would post.

5. Donald Trump

Look, every parent has a favorite kid, but good parents just refuse to admit it. Yet Donald Trump admitted that Tiffany is the daughter that he’s “less proud of.” Um, Tiffany is the only adult kid of his that probably isn’t going to be indicted for treason or whatever, so maybe take it easy on her.

His son Donald Trump Jr. is also probably going to be indicted because he was doing his father’s bidding. And besides Ivanka and her husband Jared’s legal transgressions, let’s focus on the fact that Donald seems to have the creepiest relationship on the planet with her. He once said she has a nice enough figure to be featured in Playboy. He also frequently makes comments about how hot her body is. Just like any dad would. He even went as far as to say that he would totally date her if he weren’t her father. Did Southern states vote for Trump because he’s just as chill with incest as they are? (LOL is that too far?) From being a father and husband to a businessman to the president to a decent human being, Donald Trump is clearly a horrific person on every level. But remember Hillary’s emails, though?

Images: (@stephenbaldwin7/Instagram; @sassyskips/Instagram; @charliercollection/Instagram; @billyrayecyrus/Twitter)

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The Best One Piece Swimsuits For Girls With Big Boobs

 
Shopping for swimwear is pretty much the most miserable activity for everyone in the world besides maybe like, Chrissy Teigen, but it’s especially shitty for betches with big boobs. The one piece trend is basically fashion’s middle finger with a tacky acrylic nail to anyone with more than a C cup. Without exaggerating (which is like, physically painful for me because I effing love exaggerating), I’ve probably tried on more than 100 one pieces and have only found a couple that actually really fit properly. I’d literally rather go on bad Tinder dates for a week straight then every try on another ill-fitting one piece. Because I’m like, so nice (lol) and want to share my findings with the rest of the big titty committee, here are the absolute best big boob suits I’ve found.

V-Neck Swimsuit, H&M

Finding this one piece was practically a spiritual awakening for me. It has everything I’ve ever wanted in a swimsuit; an open back, a little side boob window, a cheeky bottom and high-cut legs. Normally, I can’t wear anything with an open back that shows off side boob, but this little masterpiece has adjustable straps to prevent gravity from shitting all over my entire life.

Plunge One-Piece, Victoria’s Secret PINK

Halter tops are totally perfect for big boobs, as long as they’re easily adjustable. This one has removable padding, which is something you should always look for in swimwear if you’re “busty.” (Seriously, can we come up with a new word to replace busty? It’s like, so gross.) Anyway, a lot of extra padding can make you look bulkier than you are, and considering your boobs are probably already bigger than the padding, you’ll end up with mystery bulges all over your chest if it’s a bad fit. Removing the padding is totally a game changer if you haven’t tried it yet.

Dollfin, #Chokeonthis

You know when you find a swimsuit on Instagram but you’re terrified to buy it because literally everything looks so much better on IG? Well, I was feeling adventurous AF and ordered this anyway. I’m so glad I did, because the lace up front magically shows off and holds up boobs at the same exact time. The best thing about this is the lace up is super adjustable, so you don’t have to worry about what size to order considering the fact that you’re typically an XS bottom and an XL top; just order whatever size you’d typically get in bottoms.

Ruffle-Shoulder One-Piece Swimsuit

Normally, I’d tell anyone bigger than a B cup to avoid ruffled swimwear harder than I’d advise avoiding a dude who uses the pretty filter on Snapchat, but I was so surprised when I tried this one on. The ruffle is on the shoulders, so it doesn’t create an optical illusion that adds 100 pounds to your figure like most ruffled tops would. The fabric of this one piece is basically Spanx. So amazing.

Calvin Klein Logo Classic One-Piece Swimsuit, Macy’s

Realistically, we’d all wear literal trash bags if they said Calvin Klein across the front. Thanks, Bieber. Anyway, this super simple design is super flattering, too. Like I said, adjustable straps are lifesavers. Plus, the material is lined and really comfortable. I surprisingly have zero complaints about something for once!

The bottom line: When shopping for one pieces as a betch with big boobs, adjustable shit is key. One pieces are tricky because unlike two pieces where you can mix-and-match sizing, there’s no way you can describe your body as small, medium or large when you have ~curves~. Whether that’s straps or a lace-up front, look for designs that have some kind of movable feature that you can easily tailor to your own shape. 

Our Top Wedding Trend Predictions For 2019 Betches

Another year, another parade of invitations, registries, and all the bullsh*t that goes with weddings. Weddings are super fun, don’t get me wrong. But when you’re super #popular and get invited to more than one per month, they quickly become exhausting. The good news, though, is that we’ve gotten super amazing at spotting trends. We’re like J.Lo in The Wedding Planner, minus the crippling loneliness and love-match with Matthew McConaughey.

Here’s to hoping 2019 is the year that mason jars and burlap finally eat sh*t and die as acceptable wedding decor. Fingers crossed that boots with wedding dresses becomes a fashion offense so serious it stays on your permanent record. These are the wedding trends that you’ll probably see this year, like them or not.

Darkness

Less blush and pastel, more maroon, emerald, and black. 2019 weddings will be more edgy in terms of color than previous years, when we saw light and feminine color overkill. This is 100% grool with us, considering black is all we own and working it into a wedding just feels right. There are tasteful ways to incorporate dark, mature colors without turning it into a goth wedding, and we’ll be seeing a lot of this.

“Cheese” Cakes

This one goes out to all the brides, grooms, and wedding guests that couldn’t give two sh*ts about wedding cakes. No one eats them, they’re crazy expensive, and they very often don’t live up to expectations. Those reasons and others could be why we’re expecting to see an uptick in “cheese” cakes at weddings this year. We don’t mean a multi-tiered NY Style Cheesecake from cousin Vinny’s mom. We’re talking about a literal tower of cheeses like brie, gouda, and/or gruyere arranged to give off cake vibes. Europeans have been offering cheese courses as dessert for like, ever, and we all know they’re better at everything anyway.

Smoke Bombs

Yikes. We’ve been waiting for, like, a while for something to dethrone sparkler exits at weddings. Word on the street and Internet is that colored smoke bombs will become the go-to for flashy goodbyes at 2019’s weddings. Think gender reveal, but more elaborate. I’m literally dying to see the “wedding smoke bomb fails” compilation on YouTube in approximately five months.

Banquet Tables

Banquet tables make guest feel like they’re more involved in the reception and wedding action, and they’re making a comeback this year. Instead of individual dinner tables that require you to VERY carefully choose who’s sitting next to who, banquet tables allow for everyone to be a part of the cool kids’ table even if they are, in fact, v lame.

Velvet

Yassss. Velvet has been creeping it’s way back from the 80’s slowly and surely over the last two years, and 2019 may finally be the time it makes its mark on the wedding industry. Look for velvet smoking jackets on grooms (really), velvet two piece dresses for bridesmaids, velvet ribbons on flowers, and even velvet table runners. If you’re the bride, though, be sure to work with specialty linen companies to nail this trend as it can look v tacky when it’s done wrong.

Grasses

Eucalyptus, ferns, and roses will never stop being a go-to for flower arches or decor. But in 2019, we’ll start to see soft, wild grasses like wheat and pampas utilized more frequently. It goes with the whole trend of bringing neutral, natural beauty to nuptials without a) adding in several thousand for flowers and b) having to get matchy-matchy with your wedding party attire. If it’s done right, I’m totally into this.

Natural Beauty

Well, Meghan Markle did something right. Turns out the actress’ penchant for very natural makeup on her wedding day has translated pretty well to us common folk. In 2019, there’ll be less dark lipstick, crazy stage makeup, and overly intense highlighter adorning brides. Think more soft, pink, and natural-hued lips paired with light smoky eyes for this year.

Obviously, weddings are super personal, and everyone has their own taste, but we all have access to the same sh*t on Pinterest. How are we feeling about these trends? Honestly, I might be excited to start going to weddings again.

Images: Nathan Dumlao / Unsplash; The HK Photo Company / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

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The Perfect Cake: Your Ultimate Guide to Classic, Modern, and Whimsical Cakes

5 Skin Care Resolutions You Need To Keep In 2019

 

NYE kickstarts one of the worst parts of the year. The part when people decide to “reinvent” themselves by doing paltry things like “drinking less” and “not crying alone at night because they have deep-rooted self-hatred and intimacy issues.” News flash: It might be a new year, but if your life still sucks, consider the very likely possibility it’s because you still suck. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to be better…at least for a little bit…and at least when it comes to super vain things like the way you look on the outside. (If your personality is already terrible, vowing to “get out more” and “make new friends” probably won’t help.)

Here are some skin resolutions that you should actually try doing for the whole year/rest of your life and not just from January 1st-8th.

1. Wear SPF every damn day

As a white person, I’m a long standing advocate for protection from the sun. If you don’t protect your skin from the sun, you will get wrinkles and you will die. Pick up something like the cult favorite from La Roche-Posaybecause it’s so light you’ll forget you’re even wearing it.

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2. Drink your water

Currently rolling my eyes at the thought of all you dried-up raisins who never drink water. Imma say it again: drink your water. At least half of your body weight in ounces. So if you’re 100 pounds (omg me), drink 50 ounces. 50 ounces of Diet Coke does not count. Even though I agree that it should.

3. Exfoliate on a weekly basis at least

I know it’s cumbersome, but once you actually get into the habit of exfoliating, it just becomes part of your normal routine. If you’re not down with scrubs, exfoliating pads make the process a fucking breeze. The First Aid Beauty Facial Radiance Pads are legit for all types of skin and affordable. Use them before bed 3 times a week.

4. Get regular facials

Sure, facials can get pricey, and sure, you’d rather spend the money on hallucinogens and a trip to Joshua Tree, but giving your skin regular deep cleanses (done by a professional) is the best thing you’ll ever do for it. And arguably, yourself too. (If you’re poor, get a Groupon or Living Social deal. Or try panhandling.)

5. Don’t pick. Seriously don’t do it.

Just don’t, ok? If you feel something gross emerging under your skin, have an acne spot treatment on hand. Mario Badescu’s Drying Lotion is a fucking godsend. It’s formulated with salicylic acid and calamine and will shrink whiteheads before you can get your grubby paws on them. What I’m saying is, it saves lives.

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